Feeling Small

I have this problem where I can’t stop matching myself up to people in every way possible. Intellectuality, physical strength, attractiveness and overall ‘success’.
It drives me to resent the people who try to best me and instead of walking away, I HAVE to prove them wrong. I HAVE to either be better or create the illusion that I am smarter and more confident. When I find myself in a situation where I have no choice but to marinade or walk away, I drive myself insane overthinking it all. Thinking of all of their cons and all of MY pros.
The thing is, I’m perfectly okay with being less smart, not universally attractive, and at the physical strength I’m at….but I’m not okay with feeling small.

"Untitled" (I'm thinking about 'Mind Play')

I wrote this when I was twelve, a darker part of my life, where a lot seems to still be unexplained. As I re-read it time and time again, it always seems that I don't remember feeling all of this. It seems someone else wrote it. I'm not sure how to title it, so I need some help.

I sit and I scope the room.

The room full of faces.

No, bodies.

Each of their 'I love yous' seem to single me out.

Putting me back in the shadows...

They just make me feel that much more empty.

That much more alone.

I can not say I have lived. 

Nor known pure happiness. 

If I have, I've forgotten it.

I am not always sorry that I make you feel insignificant.

With every lie and every threat,

it seems there is another drink, or cigarette. 

Childhood has seemed to be apart of the past.

Only after 12 years. 

I despise to hear the remarks and talking, 

you say when you think I am too far to hear.

Hypocrite mouths, and lying eyes.

Defensive stance. 

I sit and scope the room.

I watch the people as they act and lie. 

Waiting for my response. 

"Okay." is all that ever seems to surface. 

I don't mean to hurt you,

There's just something wrong with me.

Bright Lights . . . ♥

Bright lights and people alarm me
But I know that you will never harm me.
Soft sound and kisses taunt me,
the blur of voices haunt me.
I wish you could simply understand.
I stay in my dark concealment hiding from the world.
However you come around,
and all my secrets are told. 
It's like the pain rises from my chest.
My mind has nice murmurs, caressed.
Never would you purposefully hurt.
However not knowing is tearing me apart.
It scares me, just like the bright lights in your eyes.

The Choke

I sat with you, a smile on my face,
We said laughable things and became friends.
I told you everything I knew about myself.
You listened. You're the first.
The first to know, and to listen.
I sat next to you, butterflies in my stomach.
You knew about how I felt by then.
Still, you didn't act odd, you were still my friend.
You were the only person who would answer when I asked.
The only one left to talk to.
Then, you began getting distant.
My feelings faded in and out, with no control.
I sat next to you, a knot in my stomach, but a smile on my face like before.
She sat next to you, nausea in my stomach,
Her eyes bright and your smile wide.
You talked of laughable things,
I knew how you felt, and you felt for her.
As it was my turn in contribution to the group,
My throat burned as I controlled the struggle in my throat.
The pain in my eyes.
I knew it from the beginning, it could not have been true.
Someone who accepted me the way I am?
Why did I even think that was possible?
I don't talk to you.
Anger.
I'm not innocent, sweet, and thin.
She is.
I'm faithful, truthful, and silly.
She isn't.
I don't talk to you.
No feeling for you, besides apathy and humor.
He makes me feel special, the one that I love.
The one that I have more feelings for...
He truly does like me the way I am.
I'm letting you know this, because you seem to amused that I liked you.
You desired my attention but denied my affection.
 'Friend'
I told you  so much, so much of me. You never cared. But thank you, because I believed it long enough to be happy. I can never be mad at you for that, the "listening". It helped.
Everything is bittersweet, however, of course. He's leaving, and can not stay. You win. I suppose.

Promises and Kisses

Your smooth, oak skin is such a tease.

You say you love me, something I like to believe.

A kiss.

You see it as a promise.

I know you soon will be gone.

You think I will try to hang on.

I know you can not keep it.

You say the future is not something you can predict. 

I am fine.

We do not follow the typical design.

Why start now, kisses can be for release.

Not just another way to stay linked.

You've already kissed me with your words.

You've already promised with your eyes.

You've already connected with your voice.

It's time to kiss me with your lips♥

Simply Complicated

Tell me how you make it look so easy.
So simple and small.
I know it's complicated.
Oh, tell me how you make it look so easy.
You look so disappointed, girl.
But your voice is so ready, so ready and sure.
It looks like you don't try,
It looks like you never cry, and do you?
Tell me how you make it look so easy.
You're eyes are depressed, but your ears are always alert.
Tell me, why do you care, when it is you that is hurt?
You say too much, but you feel it isn't enough.
Is it easy? Is it easy to not feel?
Tell me how you make it look so, so easy.
Is it so easy to not believe? So easy to not believe such beautiful words.
How do you feel? How do you do it?
Perhaps you do not.
No one can make it that easy.

The Speechless Marionette

With robotic sun,
With plastic and wooden
Movements.
Tied up with the love of strings.
Just a simple figurine,
Dancing whichever way my strummer pleases.
A doll, to those who have never been held up by similar ties.
A darling fantoccini to those who have never been moved by
My ventriloquist.
Down, up, side, back, side.
Beautiful strides you make.
A moving manikin.
Free, it seems.
To him, I can not speak.
I can not speak my love to him.
A dummy I would seem,
if I tried to open my moppet mouth.
How proud I am to be seen,
performing his work.
He made me. He is the only one to control me.
Destroy me.
This he has done.
Many times over has thought of giving me away.
Burning me, and has tossed me aside.
Yet he always seems to remember the speechless marionette.
Saving me for the most glorious shows.
Showing me off to the crowd.
It is pitiful how I feel,
Letting him toy with me.
Then forget me.
Until he is bored once again.
It is then I become his dancer.
His little hand operated ballerina.
I have no choice but to allow it.
If I did disapprove, these hinges binding my mouth
Are once again controlled by him, the man.
The master.
The man that I wait for anxiously.
Knowing that one day he will not retrieve me from the dust shelf.
He will leave me with his other, once beautiful, discards.
Nothing but a discard.
For now, he will be my commander.
I will love his orders and stay his speechless marionette.
For that is the only way he loves me.

What Have I Done?

I've never told you that I've never been happy.
I've never told you I didn't love you.
I've never accused you of being something
You aren't. 
I've never tried to make you feel guilty to get
My way. 
I've never left you, all alone, tired
Of living. 
Others have done this,
But 
I feel as if I am not as important or appreciated.
Never though, never, will I hesitate to tell you
I love you. ♥

Strangers

As we walk around as strangers

With blank stares, yet full and busy thoughts,

We're destroying ourselves. 

Just small and shallow words,

After practicing all that we'd say. 

Passing through, not passing by.

Suffering through, saying goodbye. 

Dreaming of us, but living as one.

I want to be friends,

You want to be more.

I want to say something,

You want me to say more.

There is only so much that I can mean.  

There is only so much that you can keep. 

So we continue to be strangers,

Only and except in our sleep. ♥

Something Wrong

Sometimes, when something is wrong 

We stop and begin to hum a song

Of less importance than our problems. 

The humming and the drumming of it all

Is what truly is our downfall. 

We get lost in the notes and the pitch.

The goosebumps, the feeling.

We begin to fall in love with the dream

The dream that swallows us with the beat. 

When's something's wrong, 

We stop and begin to hum a song. 

To take away the feeling 

That's keeping us singing. 

Singing, singing. 

Helping us go crazy. 

When something is wrong,

We stop and begin to hum a song. 

We begin to hum a song.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

The Third Wheel♥

 

The Third Wheel♥ 

I used to be the one,

Who, to everything was told.

You had nothing to hang on to.

Nothing to let go. 

Nothing was held,

Nor was kept. 

As time will progress,

I will know less, and less.

Continue to tell him,

Her, they and them.

Instead of me.... 

We'll see who comes back running

When him, her, they, and them

Have gone to worry about 

Them, they, her and him.

The only thing that is more unfair

is that when you come back

For whatever it is you want me for,

I will have open arms,

Like I have always had before.

Sometimes Reality is so much more Surreal.

Be a Dreamer, Awake or Asleep. Be a Dreamer. Even the imagined means something. Even the imagined MAKES you something.

Death. How do we value it? Life. How do we value it? How much do we take for granted every day? How do we know that next Wednesday, that we will still be alive? We do not. We do not know how much longer we will live. We do not value life as we should, nor do we value death as we should. We take almost everything we encounter everyday for granted. We do not realize what our essentials truly are. What do we really need? We worry our time with being the best at something, or even sometimes being the worst. Too worried about attention and how we look. Both physically and mentally how people take us in. Why rest on nonchalant thoughts? If I were to pass in my sleep, I would hope that night something more important was on my mind than what I am wearing the next day. Like, how much I love someone, or adore the natural world. Thoughts and ponders, wonders and enlightening realizations. Even if they were all in my mind and never shared, I would like to go with purpose. Even if my just purpose was to be a dreamer.


Inspiration by the passing of Patrick Odom, only a junior who attended my school. Mar. 21 2011.

SIA!!!!

I went to go to bed, I just wanted to rest. I slipped on a plastic wrapper in my floor, slid into my bed side table,  and stubbed my big toe. As THIS happened, I sneezed, coughed, hit my head, and bit both my lip and tongue all at once. I stayed awake all night. Screw it all.

Sometimes It Happens

"Two birds of a feather
Say that they're always
Gonna stay together
But one's never goin' to
Let go of that wire
...He says that he will
But he's just a liar

Two birds on a wire
One tries to fly away
And the other
Watches him close
From that wire
He says he wants to as well
But he is a liar."

- Regina Spektor

 The most important thing I have ever learned in my life is to never let anyone hold you back. As much as you may love or want someone, they may not be what you need. As selfish as it may sound, if someone does not allow you to help them, you need to move on with your own life. Never plan your life around people, circumstances are hard enough to deal with and everyone has them. One thing that sucks the most is to look back on your life and realize a big mistake that you could have easily avoided, and to notice you are in a place you do not want to be in. Do not have regrets is what we are all told, which is near impossible, so do not make it harder. If someone in your life is causing destruction, be it self-destruction or not, that is hurting you and they will not change or get help at any cost, talk to them about it and leave it at that, and go. Live happily. It may hurt at first, or even for a while but the pain will not last. If they choose to change, you still need to be careful, because it may be a lie just to get you back in their life. This does not mean that they do not love you, it just means they are not sure what is best for the both of you. But you need to know what is the best. And that is to move on. To stop caring about things that can not be fixed right now. Maybe in a few years they will know you were right and change at their own good, because sometimes it takes a while before people realize how right you were at the moment.

Favorite song!~!!! Please listen and tell me what you think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YEhyJTPNJU 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLse7g_Nfuo

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to Be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived life can be loved alone

Lost And Restless, By yours truly.

Lost and Restless

Carmen Ray 



Lost in time I cry for you.

Lost in the ticking of this clock,

I wait.

Restless and awake,

or settled and asleep,

I dream.

I do not live, I exist.

I do not live, I wait.

I do not live, I dream.

Is it for anything worthy?

For the day you love me,

like a father should?

Some Stuff About ME

Five years ago . . . I was ten years old and a loooooooser xD
Five years from now . . . I hope to have 2 years left of college (hopefully in arts or cosmetology)
I love when . . . My MP3 stays charged

I hate when . .  People are all up in my space! 
The farthest I have ever traveled from home is . . . New York
My favorite place in the world is  . . . My room.

My favorite person is John Lennon.

My favorite book is Same Stuff As Stars :)
My favorite movies are: Phantom Of The Opera, Repomen, and Hunchback of Notre Dame
I like Indie music and Basketball.

i daydream about a better life.  I like yellow and the number 7. I can't always handle the truth...
Boredom is annoying.

My thoughts on Music Theory

It's difficult and I'd rather play by ear. That is all.

My Favorite Monologue :) Enjoy

Jackal In The Garden

By: Deborah Ellis

"I was born to die. Born into a harem of beautiful faces, mine was twisted and misshapen. Dark, red blothes stained my features, like wine spilled on my skin. Wine belongs in a cup, not on a girl's face. My lumpy body caused my mother to pass out during birth. "This child is cursed, her birth was a mistake." the midwife said, holdong me up to the Master. "She is of no value!" the Master, my father declared. I was a girl, an ugly girl. Worth less than a donkey too lame to work. "To the jackals with her." M father said. His word was law.My unconscious mother could not protest. A servant carried me through the streets of Mashad and into the desert, my destined cradle and grave. I was told he kissed me. Why kiss something so ugly? - There I stayed 3 days, 3 nights. When my mother recovered, she reached for me. She saw heads hang, eyes look away. "It was not a dead birth, I heard it cry!" My mother said in tears. No one replied. "It was a girl, wasn't it? There was something wrong?" she asked. My mother knew the practice. "The Master ordered it." other wives said. "And you raised your voices in protest I am sure!" Mama looked especially hard at Shalia, the wife whose third child was sent to the jackals but not until my mother put gouges in four servants. Which she got away with for being the first wife. She was accorded his protection. "She was a mistake." said Shalia. "A girl them\n" declared my mother. "Take me to her." "It's been three days!" said the manservant. Everyone knew a fully grown man could not survive in the desert let alone a baby. They left in the safety of the nighttime and climbed the hill where I was left. I was still alive."

This may be a little inaccurate, all from memory. However, I recommend this book to anyone who is one of the following: Looking for a book that enlightens, is interested in the arts, is interested in culture or history, any one with an insecurity about just about anything :), interested in something different, likes stories about kick-ass girls, enjoys a good read :)